THE CLASSIC JEWISH JOKE (Anonymous)
There were 3 good friends, friends for life... An Englishman, a Pollack and a Jew.
One day the Englishman said "You know, since our friendship is so special, should one of us pass away the other 2 of us should make a gesture... a final token of our close relationship!"
The Pollack asked "what should we do?"
"I know what" replied the Jew. "Whoever dies first, the other 2 should each place $5,000 in the coffin of the departed."
The others though it was a swell idea of a send off. As it turned out, the Englishman was the first to depart this world and now the Polack and the Jew found themselves side by side at the funeral of their friend.
"You know" the Pollak said to the Jew, "We made a pact, and a deal is a deal".
"Yes" sighed the Jew, "You first". There upon the Pollack pulled out $5,000 in crisp $100 bills and tenderly laid them in the coffin of the deceased, and then turned to the Jew with pride declaring "There, now it's your turn." The Jew pulled out his checkbook, wrote a check for $10,000, placed it in the coffin and gathered up the $5,000 cash in exchange.
Doctor Doctor! (Anonymous)
An alter yid walks in to his doctor's office for an appointment concerned with a possible health issue.
"Doctor! every time i drink a glas of tea I get this sharp pain in mine right eye-
The wise doctor looks carefully at his eye and asks "Are you left or right handed?" to which the venerable yid replies "Why, right handed."
"Well then try taking the spoon out of the glass before you drink your tea!"
The following is being reported exclusively by the Torah True Times.
The Vaad Ha Tznius has just issued the following guidelines regarding laundry.
It has come to our attention that many families, including those who pride themselves on following all aspects of halacha, are regularly not conforming to proper Tznius guidelines. Unbelievably, many, many families are washing men's and women's clothing together at the same time in the same washing machine. This is an unprecedented breach of Tznius.!!! How could anyone think that one is allowed to wash men's and women's undergarments at the same time in the same washing load?!!! What has our nation come to when people have fallen to such a low level? For shame!!! This practice must stop!!!!
Given this we are issuing the following guidelines regarding the doing of laundry.
1. Ideally each observant home should have two washing machines and two dryers -
2. In the event that a family cannot afford to have two washing machines and two dryers, the following rules should be adhered to.
a. Under no circumstances should men's cloths in the same machine as women's clothing. They should, of course, also be dried separately.
b. After doing a load of men's clothing, one should run the washing machine through a complete cycle without any cloths in it. Then one may wash women's clothing in this machine. The same procedure should, of course, be followed after washing a load of women's clothing, namely, run a complete cycle without any cloths in the machine. Then one may wash men's clothing in the machine.
c. After drying a load of men's clothing the dryer should be allowed to cool off completely. After this, one may use the dryer for drying women's cloths. The same applies after drying a load of women's clothing before using the dryer for men's clothing. It is not enough to let the dryer cool below Yad So Ledas Bo. The dryer must be completely cooled off.
Our forefathers lived in a land that was between two rivers -
We are confident that everyone who takes Yahadus seriously will abide by the guidelines stated above.
With Torah greetings,
The Vaad Ha Tznius
Cowboy Rabbi (Sam Handelman)
Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days and then the pioneers saw an old Jewish rabbi sitting beneath a tree. "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?" they asked.
"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, an bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn¹t go dere."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the rabbi said.
"So why did he say not to go there?," a person asked.
Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jewish people -
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old rabbi.
Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."
The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy, vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-
"Oy Gevalt, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree, it vuz a ham bush!!"
Jewish Mother (Sam Handelman)
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
Rosh Hashanah -
Tzom Gedalia -
Yom Kippur -
Hashanah Rabbah -
Simchat Torah -
Month of Heshvan -
Tenth of Tevet -
Tu B'Shevat -
Fast of Esther -
17th of Tammuz -
Tish B'Av -
Month of Elul -
Cheapest Car Parking (Sam Handelman)
A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Hasidic Jew replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
Lessons from a Pencil (Louis Finkelstein)
A pencil maker told the pencil 5 important lessons:
1) Everything you do will always leave a mark.
2) You can always correct the mistakes you make.
3) What is important is what is inside of you.
4) In life, you will undergo painful sharpenings, which will make you a better person.
5) To be the best pencil, you must allow yourself to be held and guided by the hand that holds you.
Fifty Dollars is Fifty Dollars (Sam Handelman)
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -
Good Night, Mom (Louis Finkelstein)
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state; all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast." The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?
Hebrew and the Coke Salesman (Louis Finkelstein)
A very disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his assignment in Israel.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israeli's?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch in rural areas. But, I had a problem I didn't know how to speak Hebrew. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...
Second poster -
Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied "I didn't realize that the Jews read from right to left."
Airport Security Vs. The Frum Yid (Louis Finkelstein)
10. "Sir, are these Hebrew leather strap-
9. "So all these Tin-
8. "What part of 'single man carrying a hatbox' isn't suspicious?"
7. "With a box like that, that must be one nice lemon."
6. "So let me get this straight. Your mother's friend's sister-
5. "Sorry, you say this entire duffle bag full of smoked meats, canned foods, pots, pans, crock pot is for one weekend?"
4. "Please take off your jacket. Your other jacket. Your hat. Your other hat."
3. "So tell Chanie Mazel Tov..." -
2. "Uh, you forgot your 7 kid!"
1. "I'm sorry were going to have to scan the Styrofoam head in your bag again."
The Rabbi's Hat (Louis Finkelstein)
One very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the sheitble. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his shtreimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it.
A young gentile man, witnessing this event
The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could. After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. “I arrived at the fifth race,” said the young man. “I looked at the racing program and saw that a horse by the name of 'Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1. It was the longest shot in the field.”
“After saving the rabbi's hat, having received the rabbi's blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing 'Top Hat' in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat. An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came, in first by 5 lengths.”
“You must have made a fortune,”said the father.“Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better,” replied the son. “In the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of 'Stetson' was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1'. Stetson being some kind of hat, and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse.”
“What happened?” asked the excited father. “Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!” “Are you telling me you brought home all this money?” asked his excited father. “No,” said the son. “I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named 'Chateau.' So I decided to bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat in French. But the horse broke down and came in last.”
“Hat in French is 'Chapeau' not 'Chateau' you moron,” said the father. “You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?” “It was a long shot from Japan named Yarmulke” answered the son.
The Chicken or the Egg (Louis Finkelstein)
Moishe runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
Time for Shul (Menachem Wallo)
One Shabbat morning, a mother went into the bedroom to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready to go to the Shul (synagogue), to which he replied: "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me”, and “ two, I don't like them."
His mother replied: "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you MUST go to the Shul. “ONE, you're 54 years old”, and “TWO, you're the Rabbi"
Ten Commandments (Louis Finkelstein)
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
A Rabbi nearby overheard him and said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you."
"Importance? Indeed it was," wept the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"
History Lesson (Louis Finkelstein)
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
"Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, 'Up yours.'
"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, 'Mr. Pope, we're staying right here.' "
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
The Window Through Which We Look (Louis Finkelstein)
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they were eating breakfast, The young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside. 'That laundry is not very clean,' she said. 'She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.' Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, The young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
'Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.' The husband said, 'I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.' And so it is with life...
What we see when watching others depends on the window through which we look.
The Biker's Wish (Louis Finkelstein)
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, G-
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'G-